Crocodile (2000)

What the fuck happened to Tobe Hooper? With The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974), Hooper laid down one of the all time greats of horror cinema, a film that the BBFC had dreadful difficulty cutting, because although the film is terrifying, there's hardly any blood. It's all about suggestion and genuine terror, two things that are notably absent from this heap of lizard shit he produced nearly thirty years on. In the time that passed since his 1974 masterpiece, Hooper has offered his hand to many TV shows whilst coming back to film on a few occasions. Most celebrated is probably Poltergeist (1982), a film that I've never really got on with, mainly because it's not remotely scary. The idea is good and there's not really much wrong with the execution but it feels far more like a sister film to E.T, released the same year, and a much better film. Of course there's a good reason for this- Steven Spielberg co-wrote Poltergeist and was in the driving seat to direct but had to step aside because he was contracted to another film- E.T. Anyway, I digress. Hooper returned to his chainsaw wielding roots with The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986), a film that I haven't seen but refer you to legendary critic Kim Newman's thoughts, when he claimed that the film not only didn't look like it hadn't been made by someone who had made the original, but looked like it had been made by someone who'd never even seen the original. I need to watch The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, because I want to know whether it's worse than Crocodile. A boating weekend in Southern California for a group of teenagers goes badly wrong when they're terrorized by a giant crocodile (so far, so Lake Placid [1999]) after they disturb its nest. All the teenagers are idiots, as you might expect, and there's plenty of low budget B-movie creature features that have done this sort of thing in the past perfectly respectably whilst knowing exactly what they are. To say that Jaws (1975) looms large is plain idiocy, Crocodile isn't attempting to be in the same ballpark as that. But Crocodile is probably worse than Jaws IV: The Revenge (1987), which begs the question is it worse than Jaws 3-D (1983)? I honestly don't know. Crocodile does know what it is, which without doubt saves it from utter oblivion, and to say that this is absolute trash is utterly pointless. You know it's trash going in, and it provides you with exactly what you expect. Early on while the crocodile is only heard and not seen, you do think that perhaps this is a more interesting film than it had any right to be; but as soon as the crocodile gets on land and the CGI kicks in, you sink back into your seat in despair. The CGI is worse than in Alien³ (1992), a film that's special effects were the final nail in a coffin that up until that point was a coffin I was still interested in exploring. Sure, the budget of Crocodile isn't on the level of Alien³, but when your main creature swimming through water looks like a plank of wood being pushed, you're done for. Part of me thinks watching the sequel to this, Crocodile 2: Death Swamp (2002), will be worth it for the title alone- and it's a relief to note that supposedly none of the original characters make a return. But if I'm being honest, the Lake Placid franchise is higher on my list, as is Alligator (1980). Don't let this put you off watching Crocodile- although it is utter rubbish- but be warned that this is all the more disappointing because it's made by the man who made The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (1974). 3.4/10