If I Had Legs I'd Kick You (2026)

Mary Bronstein's If I Had Legs I'd Kick You is one of the most excruciating cinematic experiences I've ever had. Not because it's a bad film- far from it. But because watching Rose Byrne's Linda, a troubled mother and therapist, lurch from one horrific incident to another is beyond wince inducing. It also must be said, that this is undoubtedly Byrne's career best performance, with the film premiering at the London Film Festival last year. She's astonishing in the role; a mother who's husband (Christian Slater, mainly heard on the phone) is away on business for eight weeks whilst she must navigate a serious of personal crises including her daughter who is off school with a mysterious food related illness; having to move into a scabby looking motel while the hole in the roof of their apartment is supposedly being fixed, and all the while struggling with what is fast becoming a drinking problem. It's very hard not to feel a huge amount of sympathy with Linda- her husband's frequent phone calls do nothing to help the situation even if he is trying, and despite her turning her to drink (and drugs) there are many points throughout the film where you wonder what else she's supposed to do. Her life is swiftly unravelling, and the fact that she herself is a therapist is more a hinderance than an aid. Linda is also seeing a therapist, Conan O'Brian (playing a role titled 'therapist) but once more, Linda struggles to find common ground in terms of solutions to her problems. What extracts Bronstein's film from the usual milieu of dysfunctional dramas is in the way it approaches its subject. Camerawork ensures that we never see Linda's daughter until much later in the film, we only hear her- despite entire sequences being conversations between the pair. Indeed the same can be said of Linda's husband, amplifying the loneliness Linda feels within her family. Everyone else on screen we see, and this is Bronstein's way of letting us enter Linda's world. Everyone the audience sees are the people that Linda is actually looking at and begging for help (or trying to help), and the two we can't see are the ones she's pushing away, despite them being the ones she needs to be closest too. Another way of reading the camerawork is that it signifies the impact Linda's daughter is having on her life, rather than blaming the child herself. This theory is somewhat proven in the final minutes of the film but I won't give anything away here. This isn't a film about being a bad mother, or a bad child- this is a depiction of how difficult the consequences of having a family can be. Bronstein isn't commenting on the idea of a family; she's laying down a representation of how impossible motherhood can be when circumstances combine to put Linda in the position she's in. Despite Linda's lack of care for herself or her daughter, If I Had Legs I'd Kick You does a brilliant job of pulling you into Linda's spiral, and you feel like you -almost- fully comprehend her feelings. Some of the things she does are shocking, and yet you can't help but understanding the helplessness she's feeling. Bronstein also adds some magical realism to the drama- the hole in her apartment keeps drawing Linda back (and leaving her daughter asleep at the motel)- it frequently appears to be a portal into something, perhaps Linda's own mind. There's elements of horror on show as well, leaving Bronstein's film difficult to pigeonhole as a specific genre. There is a whole host of things going on at a frenetic pace (it was no surprise to see Josh Safdie as a producer) and it's a very difficult watch, but Byrne's performance completely sells it to you- and that's what makes the whole thing even harder to be a part of. 7.3/10