Battlefield Earth (2000)

Widely regarded as one of the stinkiest films to ever grace our screens, Roger Christian's Sci-fi 'epic' based on the novel by Scientology founder L. Ron Hubbard has managed to evade my eyes for thirty four years.

But I wouldn't be any sort of decent fan of film if I didn't make my own opinions about this sort of potential cinematic offense without finally sitting down and strapping myself in, which I finally did this week.

Battlefield Earth is utter rubbish.

A predictable analysis, I hear you sneer, but these sort of proclamations need to be justified.

Can people such as John Travolta and Quentin Tarantino really like Christian's bastardisation of our minds? Well in the case of Travolta, he's actually in the film, and I'll have you know he's the best thing about it by some distance.

In the year 3000, a bunch of aliens called the Psychlos (not a typo) rule Earth, Travolta being a ruling Psychlo (of sorts) hell bent on wiping out humanity, most of which they've already dealt with.

Jonnie Goodboy Tyler (not a typo) a surviving human, embarks on a journey to fight the evil forces and end the ghastly and diabolical atrocities.

The issue is, it takes him about two hours too long, which is a real problem when your film only lasts two hours.

I have to say I thought Travolta was deliberately hilarious, and it was with genuine shock to read post-viewing that he himself defies my interpretation of his display.

Well John, when you inevitably read this, I have to disagree with your own analysis of your performance; I thought you were highly amusing, and deliberately so. If, a proclamation that I robustly refute, your performance was intended to be a serious exegesis of the source material (which, in fairness, I haven't read) then yes, I am disrespecting your performance to the max. Maximum disrespect.

The rest of Battlefield Earth is incomprehensible drivel with special effects that are bettered on a weekly basis by my five year old daughter when she makes a mess of her car seat with the latest pastry in a long line of them to violate my car's upholstery.

The saving grace of the film is Travolta's performance; but it becomes increasingly tricky to give the film a mark out of ten when he himself refuses to accept my giving him the benefit of the doubt, and to my mind, openly admits that his display is, for want of a better phrase, utter dogshit.

But even that doesn't do Battlefield Earth justice; if I picked another animals' fecal matter as a comparison- a cow for example- it stinks, flies surround it, it's utterly unpleasant; but the cow can't help it, it's evolution, it needs to happen and the act itself isn't offensive.

Battlefield Earth isn't offensive either, meaning it's better than How to be Single (2016), but, unlike a cow defecating in a field, Battlefield Earth didn't need to happen. 1.7/10